you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Randomize
