my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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