grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
