Can i not drive my cunt home
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
