the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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