It's Friday. Sex?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
