I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.