i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed