I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.