Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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