Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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