I can text with my tongue
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
