just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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