How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
