Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
