just tell him i said nine months
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
