i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
