Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
