what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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