you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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