My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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