Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
