Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
