I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
