call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
