you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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