opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
