you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
