so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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