nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
