I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
