I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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