I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
