If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
