for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
