Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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