a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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