Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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