You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
