Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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