There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
