he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
