Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
This house was built for laser tag.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
