Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
