The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
