It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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