I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
