Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
