i jhust puked up my retainher.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
