Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
