So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
