sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
