I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
