I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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