I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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