I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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