i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
