I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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