i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
