but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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