bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
