I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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